Found: Zen Moments

The top 5 things that help me when I'm going insane: 

5. Closing my eyes, I breathe in and think "Let it Go". Even if I'm not sure what "it" is. Helps more than you would think.

4. I grab my iPod, turn it to Enya and melt into it for a few minutes.

3. A 20 minute walk outside. I am a nature lover all the way.

2. Closing my eyes I open my mouth and shove in some delicious strawberry ice cream.

and last, but not least

1. I go outside (I live in the country) and scream. Not a bloodcurdling one because I don't want the cops coming, but more like a ROAR. Or a loud grunt.

Ahhhhhh

This is No Way to Live

I have come to terms with the fact that I am crazy, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I want to change it, but how? My husband has been away at training the past two weeks and I don't know how to pull myself together. I know I sound pathetic, but he really is my glue. Sure we get to text during the day and he calls me for a short periods of time at night, but my cracks are beginning to show!

How am I supposed to be a good mother if I'm not even good at being a person? Anxiety, depression, and a lack of direction all mixed into one body just waiting to explode... that's me. I want to love life! I want to enjoy my days, but it feels like I've forgotten how to enjoy anything. I fill my day in with crap just for something to do, because sleeping all day just gives me a headache.

These things are not happening because my husband is away. Him being away just exaggerates the problems I already knew I had. The ones I already knew I had to fix.

I need a purpose.

I need direction.

I need SOMETHING that does not include a prescription.

That Thing Called Loneliness

Have you ever been in a house full of people and still got the twang of loneliness in the center of your chest? Maybe not. Maybe that is only reserved for lunatics like myself. So what am I doing to ease it? I'm watching episodes of Project Runway online and thinking about going into the kitchen to get Caramel Praline ice cream that I bought on sale for $1.99 a quart (nice, I know)
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Yep, sale ice cream that tastes just as good as the full-priced stuff definitely fills one kind of void.

I just can't stop thinking about what kind of mother I am going to be. Everyone says that once they become a mother, their worst fear comes alive: they become their own. So who will I become? And while we are on the subject, who was I? What was my first word? When was my first step? Did I have any favorite foods and were there foods that I would throw across the room if anyone brought them near me? "Your mother knew all that stuff" my father would say. Am I really allergic to penicillin like I remember being told when I was little? "Your mother kept track of that stuff" my father would say (apparently there is no test to prove a penicillin allergy). What time of day was I born? "Definitely around 4 in the afternoon" my father would say. Nope. I found a birth announcement. I was born around 9 in the morning.

So who am I? It's scary living your life when you aren't even sure what some of the possibilities could be... when there are no guidelines to stray from or follow.

The hardest assignments I have ever gotten were the ones in which I was told: "Write about whatever you want." Sounds exhilarating... freeing even. Then you realize it isn't so simple.

Welcome to my life.

"All the Pretty Little Horses"

Since I can remember, I've had a memory of my mother singing to me underneath our giant cherry tree. I have no idea how old I was, but I can remember that her arms were huge and totally engulfed me. 1? Younger? Is that possible? I thought that maybe it was just a dream until I heard the song she was singing: "All the Pretty Little Horses".

I remember asking my dad when I was about 10 ten years old what dapples were. He, needless to say, had no idea what I was talking about and you probably don't either. In my teens I heard it on the television during some folk music show. I couldn't believe it and wanted to hear it again, but had no idea what it was called or how to get a hold of it. Then a few years ago YouTube arrived and so did the song! Let's not tell anyone that I cried when I found it. I couldn't believe it! Here was the song that I had in my head for YEARS.

Since that day I knew I would sing it to my child, though I wasn't sure if I would ever be mentally ready for it. Irrational thoughts flew through my head like "If I do what she did, will I die?" I told you they were irrational. This is one of the only positive memories I have of her and I now think I have to sing it to my child to keep that memory alive. I only remember a small chunk of the song, but I will get around to memorizing the rest. My baby too will have all the pretty little horses.

If you would like to hear it, here's a link to a video (that is not mine) that I found on YouTube of "All the Pretty Little Horses". Of the versions I've found, this one is the closest to the way I remember it sung.