Post Partum Depression

Yes, it is hard adjusting to the whims of a newborn.

Yes, I fell off the face of the planet.

Yes, PPD sucks.

Fortunately I went to the doctors about a week ago to get medicine because my mood just wasn't lifting. Things are looking up! I fell off the face of the Earth for a while there, but I am slowly coming back. In a few days I hope to be as good as new.

Wish me luck!

I'm Not a Fan of the Death Penalty, BUT

For these two I would certainly make an exception.

Oh Please Baby, Don't Go Past Your Due Date

Pregnancy has become extremely uncomfortable and I can't imagine Lynaea staying in there past her due date! Oh who am I kidding, I can't imagine her going past 38 weeks (full term). I am sitting here going insane wondering when she is going to come. 38 weeks is only 3 weeks away! 7 weeks seems like an eternity...

Last night I thought I was starting to go into early labor which made me nervous because she's still too little. Everything's fine now, but I can't stop thinking about when she is actually going to be here! Oh, the insanity...

Found: Zen Moments

The top 5 things that help me when I'm going insane: 

5. Closing my eyes, I breathe in and think "Let it Go". Even if I'm not sure what "it" is. Helps more than you would think.

4. I grab my iPod, turn it to Enya and melt into it for a few minutes.

3. A 20 minute walk outside. I am a nature lover all the way.

2. Closing my eyes I open my mouth and shove in some delicious strawberry ice cream.

and last, but not least

1. I go outside (I live in the country) and scream. Not a bloodcurdling one because I don't want the cops coming, but more like a ROAR. Or a loud grunt.

Ahhhhhh

Pregnancy Brings Out Our True Colors

What is my color? Control freak.

I have realized that I am in fact one of those hideous freaks of control. To me this came as a surprise though my husband laughed at my realization. Apparently he had always been privy to this information.

I try to go with the flow, but it is so hard for me! I remember one time someone read my palm and the first thing they said to me was: "Woah, you need to lighten up." Hmmm... easier said than done.

My cousin is pregnant and she is just the opposite of me. She's waiting until the birth of her child to find out the sex. Me? I found out the first chance I got because I needed to be prepared. She has a "it's natural so things will go the way it should" attitude. I have a chart on my wall to track my daily intake of water, kegals, vitamin and exercise. Not even a joke.

I have started to meditate and it seems to be helping. Marginally.

I suppose every step in the right direction is good...

This is No Way to Live

I have come to terms with the fact that I am crazy, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I want to change it, but how? My husband has been away at training the past two weeks and I don't know how to pull myself together. I know I sound pathetic, but he really is my glue. Sure we get to text during the day and he calls me for a short periods of time at night, but my cracks are beginning to show!

How am I supposed to be a good mother if I'm not even good at being a person? Anxiety, depression, and a lack of direction all mixed into one body just waiting to explode... that's me. I want to love life! I want to enjoy my days, but it feels like I've forgotten how to enjoy anything. I fill my day in with crap just for something to do, because sleeping all day just gives me a headache.

These things are not happening because my husband is away. Him being away just exaggerates the problems I already knew I had. The ones I already knew I had to fix.

I need a purpose.

I need direction.

I need SOMETHING that does not include a prescription.

Knock, Knock.. Who's There?

Even though my stomach looks like a pregnant stomach, and even though little Lynnaea kicks me with a vengeance sometimes... it still doesn't feel real.

Don't ask me how I could feel this way, but I do. It's almost like I'm in denial. Every time a stranger comments on my belly it feels real and I get excited, but then the feeling evaporates (ok... only one stranger has commented on my belly so far which is another thing I wasn't expecting. Everyone tells you strangers just walk up to you and talk to you about it, but that's not really the case with me so far.)

You know the excitement you had when you were little whenever Christmas was around the corner? Then, how after years of Christmases the Christmas feeling didn't come until the day of, and maybe not even then? That is how I feel. I know Christmas is coming, but I don't feel it.

I think I may feel this way until I hold her in my arms. I hope I don't go into shock!

That Thing Called Loneliness

Have you ever been in a house full of people and still got the twang of loneliness in the center of your chest? Maybe not. Maybe that is only reserved for lunatics like myself. So what am I doing to ease it? I'm watching episodes of Project Runway online and thinking about going into the kitchen to get Caramel Praline ice cream that I bought on sale for $1.99 a quart (nice, I know)
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Yep, sale ice cream that tastes just as good as the full-priced stuff definitely fills one kind of void.

I just can't stop thinking about what kind of mother I am going to be. Everyone says that once they become a mother, their worst fear comes alive: they become their own. So who will I become? And while we are on the subject, who was I? What was my first word? When was my first step? Did I have any favorite foods and were there foods that I would throw across the room if anyone brought them near me? "Your mother knew all that stuff" my father would say. Am I really allergic to penicillin like I remember being told when I was little? "Your mother kept track of that stuff" my father would say (apparently there is no test to prove a penicillin allergy). What time of day was I born? "Definitely around 4 in the afternoon" my father would say. Nope. I found a birth announcement. I was born around 9 in the morning.

So who am I? It's scary living your life when you aren't even sure what some of the possibilities could be... when there are no guidelines to stray from or follow.

The hardest assignments I have ever gotten were the ones in which I was told: "Write about whatever you want." Sounds exhilarating... freeing even. Then you realize it isn't so simple.

Welcome to my life.

The Insanity That is Now My Life

I think that I am genuinely going insane.

I find myself worrying about everything and anything that could potentially harm my baby. Today's paranoia: toxoplasmosis from the evil vermin named Scruffles, Butterscotch, Fluffy, Chubs, Cupcake, and Dum Dum. The kittens.

Today I mopped my floor three times because of the bacteria that the cats could have tracked through my house from their litter (it was tracking everywhere because it was in a room without a carpet). If I didn't mop then it could get on my feet, and if it got on my feet it could get everywhere! That was my mindset at least. I think that if I had counted how many times I washed my hands, feet, or used hand sanitizer it would range in the 30's.

Needless to say, when my husband got home from work I made him move the cat litter to a more remote area of the house where it won't get tracked from. Crisis averted.

I heard that this is normal and it is just my mother's instinct kicking in (Google is my go-to advice giver). I never could have imagined how strong it would be, and I'm sure it's going to get much stronger once my baby is finally here. My poor children will be the ones with fifty layers of clothing on as soon as the first snowflake falls. I can feel it.

Ah, the joys of motherhood.