That Thing Called Loneliness

Have you ever been in a house full of people and still got the twang of loneliness in the center of your chest? Maybe not. Maybe that is only reserved for lunatics like myself. So what am I doing to ease it? I'm watching episodes of Project Runway online and thinking about going into the kitchen to get Caramel Praline ice cream that I bought on sale for $1.99 a quart (nice, I know)
Yep, sale ice cream that tastes just as good as the full-priced stuff definitely fills one kind of void.

I just can't stop thinking about what kind of mother I am going to be. Everyone says that once they become a mother, their worst fear comes alive: they become their own. So who will I become? And while we are on the subject, who was I? What was my first word? When was my first step? Did I have any favorite foods and were there foods that I would throw across the room if anyone brought them near me? "Your mother knew all that stuff" my father would say. Am I really allergic to penicillin like I remember being told when I was little? "Your mother kept track of that stuff" my father would say (apparently there is no test to prove a penicillin allergy). What time of day was I born? "Definitely around 4 in the afternoon" my father would say. Nope. I found a birth announcement. I was born around 9 in the morning.

So who am I? It's scary living your life when you aren't even sure what some of the possibilities could be... when there are no guidelines to stray from or follow.

The hardest assignments I have ever gotten were the ones in which I was told: "Write about whatever you want." Sounds exhilarating... freeing even. Then you realize it isn't so simple.

Welcome to my life.


  1. Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Great blog.
    Have a nice day!

  2. I know this has to be hard for you. But it could also be as you say freeing. A lot of us suffer from worrying that we will turn out exactly like our parents parenting wise, and while for some of us its ok, there are others that would hate that. I think that you have the opportunity to raise your children with a brand new clean slate! You may not know everything about yourself at that age, but neither do I and I have my mother and father, things just get forgotten over the years. This is your chance to be the mom that you want to be, not the mom that everyone might expect you to be! It may seem daunting, but I think you have a chance to be happy and energetic for this baby. Good Luck Babe!

  3. Hi Jenn, I lost my mother when I was 15 moved to the US at 17, found out I,m pregnant at 23 and not married. Loneliness somewhat knows me by name, and lately it's been a roller coaster of emotions; from frustrations to complete confusion. It's just been one of those days that sometimes I don't want to be where I am and would rather pack up and just go but, to where. I was relieved to come across your blog to see that life indeed gives us lemons but freezing them up is the only solution because right now Lemonade just gives me heartburns. Anyway browsing through your blog I found a silent companion so thanks. I would say stay strong but then I know how you feel sometimes so I can only say keep your windows open and let the light in. Best Wishes.